Discuss boundaries with respect
Q. Can I have a boyfriend without having sex? All my friends tell me you need to do it to keep someone, but I don’t think I’m ready. I have a new boyfriend. And I do not want to tell him why I’m not ready. I know that sounds strange. I guess I should be comfortable talking with him about it, but I’m not. Why can’t we just hang out and have fun? I used to be really close with my mom but lately all she does is nag me. I didn’t know who else to ask. I hope it’s okay that I asked you. – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It is absolutely OK to ask me. That’s why I’m here!
First and most importantly, you do not need to have sex to have a boyfriend. Relationships are more than physical sex. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect, common interests (or support for each other’s different interests), the ability to laugh and have fun together, respecting each other’s dreams and friendships and families, and growing together as people.
People talk about consent in a relationship. Consent means each person says “yes.” What is often not discussed is internal consent – what each person feels. Young people need to know how they feel about getting involved sexually. If in doubt, it is wise to wait. Your personal reasons for not feeling ready are to be respected and honored. No one should move into a sexual relationship when not ready. Why you’re not ready is private and your business.
The challenge with relationships is one person may be ready for sex and the other may not be ready. You don’t say if your boyfriend is pressuring you for sex. Has he talked about it? Has he respected your boundaries? Have you set any boundaries?
You say you’re uncomfortable talking with him about why you’re not ready. I have a feeling you’ve not talked with him about boundaries – how far you’re ready to go – at all. Is kissing OK with you? Are you uncomfortable with hugs or holding hands? What makes you uneasy? Give your boyfriend a chance to understand. There’s a lot of pressure on teens your age. He may feel relieved to know your boundaries and respect them.
I suggest a conversation where you talk about how much you enjoy his company and then gently ease into your thoughts about sex. Discuss your boundaries with respect. Share positives about your relationship and assure him you’re not saying “no” to him as a person, but to some sexual acts. Not everyone thinks of kissing or hand holding as sexual, but they are physical encounters. You may be perfectly fine with those experiences. He just needs to know what you want.
Please give your mom another chance, too. You won’t know how much your mom wants to protect you until – if – you become a mom. Show this column to your mom and tell her you want to be able to confide in her. Feel free to give your mom my number; I will be happy to chat with her.
I know I’m asking you to have conversations that may make you feel uneasy, but life is about connection, and connection is about communication.
Remember you are a person of great worth and deserve a wonderful relationship.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.