Seeking guidance on difficult conversation
Q. Please help me find the words to tell my mom I want to remain at college over the summer. Let me explain. This is my sophomore year. Unlike many freshmen, I loved school from the start. My mom always says she is proud of me. She’s a great mother and I know she wants the best for me. Here’s the challenge. She’s a single mom. I never knew my dad. She sacrificed for me all my life. I know she misses me in a way I do not miss her. I love her so much, but I also have found an amazing life in college. I’m home for spring break. How do I tell her I won’t be coming home for the summer like I did last year? It’s not about money – I have a great job on campus, and I can afford to stay. It’s about the feeling that I’m abandoning her. Thank you. I’ve been asking your questions since middle school! – 19-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Your mom isn’t the only person who is proud of you. I’m very proud of you too. How thoughtful you are! Considering your mom’s feelings is a sign not only of maturity but also of character. Your other-directed thinking is wonderful.
You ask me for words. Perfect. The key to most relationships is open, respectful communication. I’m glad you realize this. You know your mom well. Start out with kindness and let your heart lead you. Your love and respect for your mom should be your guide.
I suggest:
Find time alone with your mom during spring break
Make sure you’re both relaxed – maybe talk after a nice meal you cook for her?
Tell her how much you love and appreciate her
Share how you enjoy your time with her. Be genuine.
Explain your summer plans. Ask her how she feels about them.
Tell her you can arrange some time at home this summer, and she can visit you on campus (if that’s feasible).
Listen and hear her reactions respectfully.
Hold space with her as she processes your message.
It’s difficult to explain how most mothers/parents feel about their children growing up, but I’ll try. As a mom and a grandma (nonnie), I can tell you from personal experience how bittersweet it is. On one hand, parents who seek to raise independent, confident, strong children prepare them to live on their own. And yet, we love time spent with them and it is hard to see them leave.
I have a plaque in my den that reads: There are two gifts we can give our children. One is roots and the other is wings. Your mom wants the best for you, and that includes letting you go.
You’ve made mature plans for the summer. I think you simply need to share your thoughts with your mom as you did with me.
Reinforce your love for her and your enjoyment of her presence. Your decision is a positive reflection on her parenting. Articulate the obvious and share with her your gratitude for her modeling strength to you and giving you the skills you need to succeed on your own. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.